An Open Letter to All Parents

What your kid wants you to know

May 09, 2021

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During the second year of my bachelor’s, I took a specialization class - Clinical Psychology. The fourth lecture of this class was dedicated to eating disorders. A specialist, someone with a Ph.D., who had an endless number of articles on eating disorders, and worked on cases for more than 30 years; was the guest lecturer. This man had founded the eating disorder center right next to our faculty. He was a well-dressed and clean-cut guy. He introduced himself and the topic. I remember vividly sitting in the front row (when all was good and Covid-19 did not exist), making sure I grasp every bit of information coming out of his mouth. He said that binge eating is the most prominent form of eating disorder. More than the individuals with anorexia nervosa and bulimia combined. It shocked me at the moment, as the opposite was depicted in the media.

This was exactly what he showed in the slides

When he finally got to the part regarding the treatment of eating disorders, he said that there were no evidence-based treatments for adults yet. However, said the evidence is there for adolescents: the treatment for adolescents suffering from eating disorders went through their families. Then he said one thing that very much stuck with me:

You know what is the first thing I tell the parents who come in our clinic? There are no ‘‘ Buts ’’, no ‘‘ I cannot do anything because she doesn’t listen to me ’’s. It is your child and you will make them listen to you. They need help, you need to support them, end of the story.

I was genuinely shocked that he expressed such a strong opinion. I want to note that he did not, in any way imply forcing adolescents to eat or to diet. It was about being ready to fight for your kid. It was about being on the same team with them, no matter what they do or say. I never forgot the way he said it and how sure he was of himself. It was a very impactful moment for me. (Funnily, just today in my master’s course about eating disorders; he showed up as the guest lecturer again and inspired this newsletter.)

I wanted to write an open letter to all the parents whose kids are struggling with an eating disorder. I asked my dearest followers, what they wish their parents knew, and the answers were noteworthy. Parents, now I will be talking directly to you and I will say all the things they want you to know.

Dear mom and dad,

I am writing this letter because I have something to tell you. I chose this medium because it is a difficult topic for me to talk about with anyone , including you. Please understand that I’m having a real hard time sharing this and be gentle with me. I have been struggling with food and my body image for a while now. Food has become a complicated thing for me. It is making my life so hard that even the small things I need to do in my daily life have become a challenge. I know it is hard to understand and I don’t expect you to understand, I just genuinely want you to help me. I need you to help me.

I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but believe me; it is just as hard for me too. I want you to know that this isn’t about you. I know you did the best you can as a parent. I cannot stress enough that this is not your fault nor a reflection of your parenting. I looked it up and I saw that problems with eating can be caused by many factors; biological, psychological, and social.

Maybe this is something completely new to you or it sounds like a normal problem. I can see why. It is commonly seen in adolescents; because that is when it usually starts. But I assure you, it is not normal , nor it is a phase. Do you know how I know this? Because my days have just become centered around food and my body. Life shouldn’t be this hard. I understand having a balanced diet and living an active life is important, but this has become something completely different than that. It even has a name, a clinical one, they call it an eating disorder. This isn’t about a diagnosis or a label, they don’t matter. It is nice to know that this has a name, that I am not crazy. Apparently, there are other people who are going through similar things that I am! This makes me feel less alone.

With all of this, I realized that I am very sensitive to comments regarding other people’s bodies, even your comments about your own bodies! It makes me sad to hear negative things about them. If we could avoid comments on physical appearances, I think that, on its own, will help me a lot!

If you can relate to me or you see similar feelings and behaviors in yourself, should we get in this together? If you think you’ll also learn from my experiences, I would feel much more comfortable if you were in this with me. I think if we work on this together as a family, it will help me feel less alienated. Your support means a lot to me and I really need it right now.

While I’d like to know that we are on the same team , I also want to keep being an individual on my own. I think the road to healing might work better if I go at my own pace and on my own terms. So I would like to ask you to not make any comments regarding my food intake, even if they are coming from a good place. If you believe in me, I promise you, I will try my best. Because above all, I am the one who suffers most from this. I would like to improve my relationship with my body and food; so that I can regain my inner peace. I think this will also help me with being more present socially , so implies more quality time spent together!

Throughout this journey, there will be times I am not feeling as good or I might have some fallbacks. I might have a hard time bringing this up to you again, so if you ever sense that something is wrong , I would feel more comfortable if you approached me first. I also know that recovery isn’t linear so please be patient with me. I know it will take a while and will be hard for all of us. Right now, I need your love , compassion , and affection the most.

If you stuck with me until the end of the letter, thank you. It was very important for me that you listened to me. I hope you now have a better understanding of the situation. I want to end by saying how much I appreciate having you as my parents. I am proud to be your child. Thank you for the support. I love you.

Sincerely,

Your Child