Competition in Eating Disorders

A competition that has no winners

Feb 11, 2022

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Chart of Competition in Eating Disorders

''Am I as thin as that girl?'' I would ask my boyfriend, showing a random girl walking by. '' Are my legs bigger than hers? ''. I would look at people on the street and compare myself to every single person that walked past. I just could not help it.

Looking at ''What I Eat In A Day'' videos on Youtube, scrolling through Tiktok feed with half-naked people dancing, or simply looking at Instagram profiles always sparked the fire of competition inside me. I made many comparisons; '' Why doesn't my stomach look like that? ''. After a few minutes, feelings of jealousy would take over '' She is just showing off her body ''. Wishful ideas started flowing in my mind; '' But maybe… If I eat like her, maybe I can look as good as her ''. I would Google celebrities' diets and workout routines for hours. I believed that if I tried hard enough , if I had enough willpower, if my weight was low enough ; I would be able to have a body similar to Emily Ratajkowski's. What a lie. So many conditions and so many standards that I can never ever meet.

Not only did I compete with individuals who were out of my league , but also with people I knew and saw. The latter hurt more because despite the fact that there was no real competition and it was all in my head, comparing myself to someone I know feels more real. Diet talk and fat-shaming occur in conversations with people who are close to us. They're all touchy subjects for a variety of reasons, one of which is the fact that they spark competition. Someone may comment '' Did you lose weight insert friend's name? '' and it would start: '' What are they eating?'', How much are they eating? '', '' Does everyone compare the way our bodies look when they see us together? ''. If your parents are constantly comparing you with your sister, if you are endlessly getting criticized by your mother because you ate more bread than her or if your friends are always talking about how much weight they lost and how many calories they ate, it is only normal that you feel like there is a competition. Competing with people close to you is extremely difficult to deal with because a part of you competes shamelessly while the other is ashamed that you are actually competing with someone who is close to you based on your physical appearance. As if the feeling of jealousy and competition was not heavy enough, you also feel ashamed of your feelings; because why would you compete with someone you love anyways, right?

Then there are other people, who are not necessarily your close friends or family, but friends of friends or people who are just acquaintances. You may compare yourself with these individuals on ''illogical'' scales like the severity of your disorder ,'' I cannot restrict as much as she does, I am not sick enough to get help '', or how lovable you are as a girlfriend. As much as I am ashamed of it, I have to confess: When I was at my lowest, my biggest competition was my partner's ex-partner. My eating disorder made me believe that if I wasn't skinnier than her, my boyfriend would not love me anymore. It was not open for discussion, I had to be thinner. I had to have slimmer legs. I had to lose weight. When the competition is fueled by such strong rationale , it takes over your mind. You can and do attribute everything that goes wrong in your relationship to you not being skinny enough. '' They wouldn't have left me if I was x kgs '', ' 'I would be the one standing next to them if my legs were thinner '' or '' He would love me if I had a flat stomach ''. These are all thoughts that are produced by the competition and they consumed me.

It is exhausting to constantly compete and compare yourself to so many people at once. Look at the chart again! How many individuals are you competing with? Can you really compete with everyone? There will always be someone who is thinner, prettier, eats less, exercises more, dances better, swims better,... The list goes on. There is no way that you can leave this ''battle'' with a victory, you only become more and more miserable.

If you find yourself drowning in this endless pit, remember; the competition in eating disorders has no winners.