Saying ‘Yes’ to the Dress and Myself in ED Recovery

How to deal with anxiety of fitting into your wedding dress in ED recovery

Jan 25, 2024

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I purchased my dress seven months prior to my wedding. The sales associate advised delaying tailoring due to potential weight fluctuations. We had agreed to do two tailoring sessions. Usually, the first adjustments would be definitive, the second fitting appointment would only be about teaching me how to walk in this big dress with the highest heels ever. At that time, I felt secure in my recovery journey. However, as the wedding neared, anxiety began to surface.

During the first fitting, scheduled ten days before the wedding, I discovered the dress was two sizes larger than my usual size. A crucial note for future brides: wedding dress sizes often differ from regular clothing sizes. I’m not saying this because it is “bad” to have a bigger dress size but to normalize and show that numbers mean nothing. Don't fixate on the numbers – they don't define you.

I checked myself out in the mirror, while waiting for the tailor. I was happy with the dress, with the way I looked. Look at how far you’ve come , I told myself, you’re getting married and are actually happy with the way you look. Who would imagine?

As the tailor wrapped the measuring tape around me, I found myself unconsciously sucking in my stomach, a reflex associated with years of body insecurities. When she announced the measurements, each number seemed to echo in the room, directly tapping into my insecurities. My waist got thicker than the last time I had measured it (which was I don’t know how long ago – in recovery, I steered clear from the scale and measuring tapes) and this realization hit me harder than I anticipated. I felt my face get warm. I looked in the mirror. Suddenly, the dress didn’t seem beautiful anymore. Despite feeling content with my reflection initially, hearing my measurements spoken aloud shifted my perception. The dress, once beautiful in my eyes, now seemed different as my gaze drifted over my body - first to my chest, then to my waist, and down to my arms. Each glance felt like a judgment, turning my reflection into something unrecognizable. In mere minutes, it felt as though I was confronting a stranger in the mirror, a stark and unsettling transformation. The body dysmorphia mind games had begun.

It’s okay. The number is higher because it’s the dress. It adds a couple of cm’s , I thought to myself.

My Inner Critic spoke: “ Not really. If you were thin enough, the number would have been lower. Don’t fool yourself. ”

Numbers don’t mean anything. I was happy just a few seconds ago. Nothing changed. I look the same. My brain is playing games with me because I’m triggered , my Healthy side replied.

I felt a strong impulse to get rid of the dress, to remove it and erase this whole experience. It wasn't just fabric and stitches; it was as if the dress had become a mirror reflecting my deepest anxieties about my body. I must have remained silent for a while before finally brushing off the discomfort. 'Can we take the dress off now?' I asked, trying to sound casual. 'I’m getting warm.'

The whole week, anxiety was floating freely in my blood.

I couldn’t stop thinking about how I looked in the dress. The weight I had gained. This relentless anxiety guided me to an important realization, leading to my first tip:

1. Avoid dieting no matter how good it sounds.

I became hyper-aware of what I was eating but **** I resisted the temptation to diet, considering the emotional and physical toll it would take. I closed my eyes. I thought about how dieting would actually make me feel. What I would have to eat. How hungry I would have to be. The obsession that would come with stepping on the scale. The preoccupation with calories. Concentration difficulties I would have. How anxious I would feel the days leading up to my big day and also during the day, while getting ready with my bridesmaids. How miserable I had to be, only to look good on a day that is supposed to be fun. I scanned my body to see how these images made me feel physically: shaky, worried, restless and unhappy.

In those 10 days, every time the urge to diet came, I reminded myself of those feelings. Did I really want to feel like that? No, thank you.

A week later, at the final fitting, the dress was too tight on me. My mom had the biggest grin on her face. “Wow! You look beautiful”, she said in Turkish, with tears in her eyes. The sales lady nodded and pinched my shoulder lightly, “Yes!”.

I forced a smile on my face. The sales lady asked me what I thought of it.

“I like it!” I said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. I didn’t want to let them down. But I felt like crying. And I felt shame over feeling like crying too. My Inner Critic, never missing an opportunity, started putting me down.

“ Fuck recovery! See. This is where recovery gets you. It’s all fun and games until you want to feel pretty. Told you that you cannot not care about your weight and be pretty at the same time. Now you have 3 days until your wedding and you look terribly fat in your dress. Imagine all the photos that will be taken and how fat you will look in them. And it’s squeezing your internal organs, so no fun for you - ha-ha! ”

The Eating Disorder voice tried to “help”: “ I wonder if there is a cleanse you can do to lose weight in 3 days? ”

I started googling. There were SO many juice cleanses sold online – “Bridal cleanse”, “Special day cleanse”, “Beautiful Bride cleanse”… scrolling through these options, I felt depressed and locked my phone. The ED voice didn’t help to feel better but it for sure helped me feel worse about it. Before going to bed, No , I told myself. I will not fall into this. The dress should fit ME, not the other way around.

2. Set the boundaries with your Inner Critic, the ED voice and with anyone who triggers this worry in you.

Luckily (and with the help of many informative conversations), no one around me brought up the topic of weight before my wedding. But it might be different for you. If your Inner Critic or someone around you speaks to you this way, immediately set your boundary by ending the conversation clearly. Do not brush it off. And certainly, do not let it escalate or dwell in it. How? you may ask. If they are too strong, make a list of things that make you feel better: Drinking some warm tea? Wrapping yourself in a warm blanket? Putting on your favorite music and dancing in your room? Spending time with friends or family? Talking about it to someone? Reading positive affirmations out loud? And start doing them one-by-one.

3. Write down positive affirmations and kind reminders for yourself.

Here are some that helped me:

- I am unique and beautiful in my own way, and I choose to embrace and celebrate that on my wedding day.

- I am excited to celebrate my love and commitment with my partner, surrounded by friends and family who love me just as I am.

- I am grateful for my body and all that it allows me to experience in life, including this special moment as a bride.

- I am worthy of love and happiness, no matter what my body looks like.

- I am proud of my body for all that it has overcome and achieved, and I will celebrate it on my wedding day.

- I refuse to let negative self-talk and societal beauty standards dictate how I feel about myself.

You can write sticky notes around your house or make your own cute lock screen wallpapers for your phone on Canva. Here are some that I made for you (You can screenshot or download pictures from this link):

The next morning after the appointment, we were going shopping with my mother at 9 am. When we picked up our Starbucks order, I told my mom what was going on. I told her that I am worried that the dress is too small. She asked why I didn’t say anything about it. Good question. I didn’t want to be a stereotypical bride who gets upset by her weight, panics and goes on crazy diets before her big day. I thought my mom and the personnel would think I’m dumb and shallow. On top of the worry about my weight, I was also worried and ashamed about how others would think if I told them I was worried. The shame had kept me quiet. Shame blossoms in silence and dies out when talked about in a safe space, which brings me to my fourth tip:

4. Reach out for connection. Talk to someone who would understand.

Share your concerns with friends or family who understand, breaking the silence of shame. I texted my best friends and shared how anxious I was about my weight and the dress. Their responses were not just comforting but also empowering. They reminded me of my strength and the progress I'd made in my recovery journey, highlighting that my worth extends far beyond the fit of my dress. This support helped me reframe my thoughts, replacing anxiety with a sense of shared strength and understanding.

We called the wedding boutique for an “emergency” appointment. The lady was very surprised and confused. “Dear, you were here yesterday, what’s wrong?”. I murmured that the dress was too small. She reassured me that they would fix it and I didn’t have to worry.

I put it on, they got the tailor in again. They said they were going to make the waist a bit looser.

And nobody judged me for asking for this touch up.

5. Normalize, validate, repeat!

Understand that worrying about dress fittings is common, especially for those with a history of eating disorders. So many women who never struggled with an eating disorder worry so much about fitting into their wedding dress. It’s a whole stereotype and there is a reason why we have stereotypes. If you have a history of eating disorders, it’s only understandable that you feel triggered right now. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

6. About getting pictures taken…

Many brides might worry about having their pictures taken from different angles, or looking perfect in their wedding shots because it is such an important and memorable day. A picture doesn’t reflect beauty, happiness or confidence; it is just a moment captured in time. You are stunning as you are, your confidence will shine bright in your photos. Your wedding day is about celebrating your love and commitment, not about trying to achieve an unrealistic standard of beauty. And most importantly, your worth as a bride is not defined by your appearance or size.

On the day of my wedding, the dress was more fitted than tight. It didn’t squeeze me anymore but I’ll be honest, it wasn’t the most comfortable. But I reminded myself that this is the last thing I want to remember on this day. I focused on enjoying this time with my husband, my lovely bridesmaids, the whole experience of this day, trying to take it all in and feeling it all deeply.

Final words…

I want to add a personal note: It’s true that this is one of the most special days of your life. Most magical. But at the same time, this is YOUR day. It might feel like it’s about looks. Or it’s for other people, especially if you did lots of planning and invited lots of guests; but ultimately, this is YOUR special day with your spouse. You will be in a crowd, all eyes on you; but ultimately, this will be an intimate day with your favorite person. Yes, you do have lots of things to think about and do, but it is supposed be fun above all. And happy. I understand that you want to feel good and look your best. How you feel on the inside is more important than how you look like on the outside. You might diet, be at your lowest weight, look exactly how you want to look in the wedding dress but if you are unhappy, low in energy, dizzy and too in your head to enjoy; it will not mean anything. I hope that years from now, you'll look back on your wedding day not just for how you looked, but for the joy and love you felt, making it one of the best days of your life. It’s about the magical moments and special memories you are making with the people you love the most. Prioritize how you feel on the inside over external appearances, as genuine happiness transcends physical aesthetics.