The Function of Bad Body Image Days
Why do we have bad body image days
Dec 16, 2021
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Everyone has their bad days, whether you have an eating disorder or not. You look in the mirror and think ‘‘ How can a body look so bad?’’. It can also manifest itself as a messy room with clothes thrown all over and ‘‘ Ugh, I have nothing to wear. ’’
But for someone with an eating disorder, it goes beyond that. It feels like the end of the world , like you have gained a significant amount of weight, maybe overnight. You start questioning what you did wrong , you think of the workouts you have skipped, and all the meals you’ve had last week flash before your eyes. Then, your inner voice starts harassing you; ‘‘ How could you let this happen? We should’ve gone on a diet last week, you did not listen to me, now suffer the consequences! ’’. The moment you agree with your inner critique, the guilt kicks in. You start looking at the past with regret and criticism. You makeup scenarios that may or may not have been true: ‘ ‘If I had started dieting last week, I would have lost x kgs by now! ’’, ‘‘ If I hadn’t eaten that slice of cake last week, I would not have become this fat ’’. You then become resentful and punitive towards your body. ‘‘ You are not eating anything today, missy! ’’ ‘‘ Looks like you will be running 10 km instead of 5 today ’’.
I recognize the same version of myself manifesting itself on every bad body image day. It is the version who is always angry and dissatisfied with, well , myself. It always speaks in the same tone with me: ‘ You are this, you are that. Always harsh , blaming , and punishing ; never _ empathic, compassionate,_ or _ forgiving._ But why does it come out in the first place?
1. Avoiding painful emotions and thoughts
When I am having a bad body image day, I find it extremely challenging to do anything other than worry about the way I look. I wake up, weigh myself, do body checks in the mirror, sit down to work and the rest is just rumination. The way I cannot focus on anything but how I look, calling it obsession would not be out of place. What does an obsession do? It consumes you, leaves no space for anything other than itself. That is exactly how a bad body image day can keep the painful emotions and thoughts away.
2. Finding something that feels like you have control over.
‘‘ I am never eating again ’’ was the sentence I used to keep repeating to myself on a bad body image day. This one becomes quite obvious from the wording: I cannot control how my boyfriend treats me or what my coworkers say about me. But I sure can easily control (!) what goes into my body.
3. Giving yourself a purpose (to go on).
After my initial reaction, I get into fight or flight mode. Most of the days, especially at the beginning of my eating disorder(s), I was always ready to fight back. I would plan the following 60 days, day-by-day. I would write down and make a thorough list for each day, what I would eat and the goal weight I would supposedly be if I followed that plan. Although, they even had online calculators for that, it had to be me who did that. I would imagine the days I followed the plan, how happy (!) I would feel; because in those moments, it was not about weight loss, it was about holding on just a little bit longer, living to fight another day.
4. Any function you can think of.
Functions can differ per person. We all have unique memories and experiences. It would be unfair to say these may be the only three functions of bad body image days. One may make complete sense for me and not for you. Analyze these days in the light of your own experiences. You know yourself the best.