What Living with an Eating Disorder Feels Like

TRIGGER WARNING. This is what my average day looked like, as a person who was struggling with bulimia nervosa.

Jan 20, 2022

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I recently went through my diary which I kept when I was fighting my demons - disordered eating, exercising excessively, dieting for three days only to binge eat the rest of the week. Reading through things I have written sent me right back into the ''good'' old days and reminded me of how my life was when I had an eating disorder and how it felt like…

The moment I opened my eyes, I would instantly do a body scan - not the mindfulness technique. I scanned my body for the spots that feel fat. '' Do my legs touch? Does my tummy stick out? If yes, can I suck it in or is it too bloated? ''. To be honest, in my 7 years of struggling, I have probably only once said '' Oh, my tummy is flat today ''. I always looked for signs that confirmed my core belief: '' I am flawed ''.

After the bathroom, I would go next to the scale. How I approached the scale was dependent on what I ate the day before. If I had kept my diet in check, I would almost run towards the scale. If I had binged or eaten something unplanned the other day, I wouldn't be so enthusiastic about it. Waiting for the scale to weigh me and calculate my body fat percentage (I had to know the exact number to calculate my macros), I would do body checks in the mirror. Looking down at the scale, I never saw something that fully satisfied me.As I would step down from the scale, regardless of my weight, I would already plan what I would eat for the day.

Source: https://giphy.com/explore/weight-scale

In the mornings, we would meet up with friends to grab a coffee before we went to class. Lying to myself, pretending that I preferred my coffee black; I would always order filter coffee. I would like to also mention the evolution of my choice of coffee: caramel macchiatos, cappuccinos with sugar-free caramel syrup, flat whites, then filter coffee. All because of the diet culture, the posts that criticized my choice of milk and syrup, while highlighting ''hidden calories'' I may be consuming over and over again. Now I see why I got so paranoid and anxious over calories. It got to the point that sometimes, I was honestly suspecting that the Starbucks barista put full-fat milk in my coffee instead of non-fat.

Everything would still go as planned until lunch time. Interestingly, I ruminated about how everything was going well and how pretty and worthy of love I would be if I continued this way. I would create a plan in my agenda by writing down what my weight should be day by day, in the following three months. Then the ultimate fight would begin two parts of myself would begin fighting: '' Okay, you are on track, do not ruin this again '' versus '' But I am hungry… How am I supposed to do that? ''. Suddenly my mood would change completely. I would grow anxious that I would lose control and binge eat again. After all that restriction during the day, that was _ only natural_ , what else could have happened?

When I got home, I would make myself a snack before going to the gym; a snack that always turned into a full-blown binge. While preparing food, I would constantly look at the cupboard which had Nutella and peanut butter inside. I would sometimes take them out, just to smell them. Then my inner voice would convince me that I would feel euphoric if I ate, that it was the only thing that could make me happy. Giving into my impulses, I would start spooning the jar. I would feel bad, but the euphoric feelings would override that. At least for that moment. When my binge ended, I would be left alone with my inner critic, filled with guilt. At first, I could push myself to go to the gym and try to burn off all the calories I have consumed. But as my disorder progressed, I was left with no energy. I would just go to bed at 6 p.m., pull the sheets over. Crying, telling myself horrible things while looking up my next diet and h oping that the next morning would be different , I would fall asleep.

Next day, I would wake up, only to relive the same thing all over again.

This is what a ''normal'' day looked like for me. There were worse days but never better ones. If you are a reader who cannot relate; a mother who is trying to grasp what goes through their child's mind, a significant other who doesn't understand what their partner is going through; now you roughly have an idea what they are going through ( everyone has their own subjective experience of an eating disorder ). Imagine living with these thoughts in your head, being hyper-aware of what you look like and judging yourself based on it, every second that you are awake. You cannot do much about the disordered world they are living in, you cannot interfere with their reality. The best you can do is be there for them and make sure that they get the help they need.