How Eating Disorders Influence Your Romantic Relationships

My eating disorder caused havoc on various aspects of my life: my academic achievements, relationships with family, and friends. But above all, my romantic relationship suffered the most from my body-image issues. Let's take it from the very beginning of my relationship when my boyfriend and I first started seeing each other.

Going on dates was hard. I wanted to make sure that I looked good, which at the time was equivalent to being skinny. Being skinny meant that I had to keep up with my diet even on our dates, especially on our dates. I wanted to go to restaurants where I could get food that fitted my dietary restrictions. But at the same time, I did not want to be that girl who is not fun or spontaneous because she is always on a diet. And the problem did not end there. Even if I chose a place, deciding on what to eat was another problem. I always waited for him to choose his meal first and made my decision based on his choice. If he was eating a burger, that meant I was ''allowed'' to have something similar, on the ''unhealthier'' side of the spectrum. But if he was having a salad, there was no way that I was eating a burger or a bowl of pasta. It always had to be somewhat healthier than his meal. 

While walking on the street together, holding hands happily, and enjoying our date, I would suddenly become self-conscious and start comparing my body to his. Did I look bigger than him? When he carried me around, was I too heavy for him? When we laid on the grass playfully, was I crushing him? The dates that were supposed to be pleasant and exciting turned into distressing events for me. 

When we had sleepovers, I would starve myself until he was hungry too. Make no mistake, he was not holding food back from me. It was my own doing. I could never ask for food or say ''Hey! I am hungry. Let's eat.'' because I was terrified that he would look at me and think ''Wow, she is eating so much. No wonder she is fat''. Thus, I avoided saying that I was hungry or at least made sure that I was not the first person to say that I was. 

A few months into our relationship, I could not hold the cool and spontaneous girl façade anymore. I started sharing my struggles with him which to my surprise, brought us closer. I would cry in his arms wishing that my eating disorder just went away. I would tell him when I felt stressed when we were choosing our dinner spot for the night. Being much closer came with a price though: he also had to put up with my mood swings. There were moments when I would be very happy to be with him, which were suddenly disrupted by a glance in the mirror. Some days I did not want to do anything, besides lay in my bed and cry. Sometimes I would stop talking to him after a meal because I wanted to be alone and I wanted to devote all of my energy to hating my body. And some days, I simply did not have the energy to be in a relationship. Having unstable eating habits made me weak physically. All of my mental energy was wasted on thinking about how I looked and what I was going to eat. 

Our fights were quite interesting. In my delusional mind, every fight was caused by my weight. Does he feel distant? It is probably because I gained weight and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. Is he distracted? He is probably thinking about his ex-girlfriend who has a better body than mine. Is he mad at me for something? He probably does not love me anymore because of how ugly I am. I attributed every little problem in our relationship to me not looking good enough: ''If only I were skinny enough'' I thought to myself, ''none of this would have mattered''. 

We split up for a while. During that time, I became aware of how my behaviors and refusal of getting help strained our relationship to the point of breaking up. I understood that it was on me to take care of myself, not him. I realized how he was a source of support for me that I would not be able to benefit from unless I got proper treatment. This became a strong incentive for getting help. As I started healing slowly, our relationship healed with me. Despite the fact that my relationship had suffered the most as a result of my body image issues, it ended up being the most valuable source of support that greatly aided my recovery.

This essay was first published on my newsletter. Read the original on Substack →